Hi all,
As promised, I am providing information on the Memorial Service for Torrey.
Given the fact that many people are out of town this week, and that many will be out in the coming weeks, we opted to have two events. Feel free to attend both, but know that we set this up to provide adequate opportunity for our friends and family to pay their final respects. Under no circumstances would Torrey have wanted anyone adjusting family vacations, etc., on his behalf.
But, the more the merrier. :)
Details are as followed:
Viewing:
Sunday, July 13th
Open from 3pm to 7pm
Mount Vernon Memorial Park
Greenback Lane
Fair Oaks, CA
916-969-1251
Memorial Service (to be followed with a reception - see below):
Saturday, July 19th, 3pm
Mount Vernon Memorial Park
Greenback Lane
Fair Oaks, CA
916-969-1251
Reception to immediately follow Memorial Service (approximately 4:30pm)
Marriott Hotel
Rancho Cordova, CA
Sunrise & 50
12111 Point East Way
916-638-1100
The few times that Torrey and I discussed this topic over the years, he always said he didn't want folks crying, upset and depressed at a funeral. He wanted a big 'celebration of life' party. That is exactly what we intend on providing him and all of you.
All are welcome to attend.
Also, his obituary will be posted in the Sacramento Bee starting tomorrow (both in print and online). We've stated that in lieu of flowers, please make a donation to the St Baldrick's foundation www.stbaldricks.org. Torrey was extremely passionate about this cause.
Many thanks for the flowers and cards that have already been sent.
Your generosity and kind words have been so appreciated.
Kindest Regards,
the Ward and Buell families
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Our Journey Has Come to an End
Torrey passed on peacefully July 4th, at 4:10am.
As our country celebrated the anniversary of our independence, Torrey too was freed of his pain and suffering.
Since my last post, Torrey had taken a turn for the worse.
As of Thursday, he had required a dose of pain medicine every hour in order keep him comfortable and calm.
For the first time in over 5 weeks, his lab results revealed that his kidney and liver functions were worse than when he was admitted.
His heart, though, was still very strong, and it was our intention to allow visitors to see him starting Friday, in order to say final goodbyes. We had decided to start him on a continuous morphine drip on Friday, knowing that he would likely never wake up again.
Unfortunately we never got that chance.
After staying with him until nearly midnight on Thursday, we had left the hospital with Torrey comfortably resting. I had said my final goodbyes to him, before leaving, knowing that the toxins were building up in his body and that this would be the last time he would be mentally alert.
In my goodbye, I promised Torrey that Thalia would always know who her daddy was, and that she would always know what a great man he was. I told him we would never forget what he meant to us as a family. I told him I was sorry that we couldn't do more to save him, that I was sorry he had suffered, and how important he was to me.
I told him about the hundreds of people who were praying for him, and I told him that flights of angels would take him to his rest.
It was pointed out to me by a close friend that Torrey probably took this as permission to let go and be at peace. I wholeheartedly agree.
At 3:50am Friday morning, the nurse called saying that Torrey's blood pressure and heart rate were going down, and they thought it was only a matter of hours before he would pass.
As my father and I were en route to the hospital, I received a call on my cell phone that Torrey had passed already.
It is difficult to put into words how utterly devastated we all feel.
The person who seems to be handling this the best is Thalia.
She had spent the night at my parents house Thursday night, and was awake in bed when we arrived back at the house. I had told my Mom that I needed to be the one who broke the news to her.
So, I got in bed with her and explained to her what had happened. She sat there for a few minutes sucking her thumb and thinking. She had no questions, and asked if we could color.
At first I thought that perhaps she simply didn't understand the finality of all this, but throughout the last 24 hours, she has made several comments that make me feel that she understands much more than I give her credit for.
Having to tell Thalia her dad has died and gone to heaven has been the thing that has given me the most anxiety through this whole process. I was expecting lightning to strike the moment I told her. I was expecting a meltdown, crying, screaming, and devastation.
Instead, I got a little angel who wiped away my tears and forced me to look on the bright side.
I know that all of you are aching with us right now. And I know that all of you still have us in your prayers and your thoughts.
Your support and love through all of this had been monumental, and I am still in awe of how lucky we are to have you in our lives.
I can't put into words how much you have meant through this whole process.
If we can take anything positive out of this experience, it is the faith that your friends and family will be there along with God in your darkest of times. It is also a reaffirmation of what a wonderful person Torrey was, and the impact he had on those who knew him.
I was so lucky to have him as my husband, and I am so grateful that he left me with an angel for a daughter.
In the coming days, I will be leaving information on his memorial service on this blog.
The service will likely take place at Mount Vernon Mortuary, with a reception TBD.
We will also be holding a viewing for those who may not be able to attend the memorial.
Dates and times will be posted here soon.
For anyone who would like to say a few words at his memorial service, please contact me at monicabuell@comcast.net.
We are also asking for any pictures that you might have of Torrey that you can send me via CD or email (at the above address).
Our home address is 3379 Marquam Way; Rancho Cordova, CA 95670.
Love to all,
Monica
As our country celebrated the anniversary of our independence, Torrey too was freed of his pain and suffering.
Since my last post, Torrey had taken a turn for the worse.
As of Thursday, he had required a dose of pain medicine every hour in order keep him comfortable and calm.
For the first time in over 5 weeks, his lab results revealed that his kidney and liver functions were worse than when he was admitted.
His heart, though, was still very strong, and it was our intention to allow visitors to see him starting Friday, in order to say final goodbyes. We had decided to start him on a continuous morphine drip on Friday, knowing that he would likely never wake up again.
Unfortunately we never got that chance.
After staying with him until nearly midnight on Thursday, we had left the hospital with Torrey comfortably resting. I had said my final goodbyes to him, before leaving, knowing that the toxins were building up in his body and that this would be the last time he would be mentally alert.
In my goodbye, I promised Torrey that Thalia would always know who her daddy was, and that she would always know what a great man he was. I told him we would never forget what he meant to us as a family. I told him I was sorry that we couldn't do more to save him, that I was sorry he had suffered, and how important he was to me.
I told him about the hundreds of people who were praying for him, and I told him that flights of angels would take him to his rest.
It was pointed out to me by a close friend that Torrey probably took this as permission to let go and be at peace. I wholeheartedly agree.
At 3:50am Friday morning, the nurse called saying that Torrey's blood pressure and heart rate were going down, and they thought it was only a matter of hours before he would pass.
As my father and I were en route to the hospital, I received a call on my cell phone that Torrey had passed already.
It is difficult to put into words how utterly devastated we all feel.
The person who seems to be handling this the best is Thalia.
She had spent the night at my parents house Thursday night, and was awake in bed when we arrived back at the house. I had told my Mom that I needed to be the one who broke the news to her.
So, I got in bed with her and explained to her what had happened. She sat there for a few minutes sucking her thumb and thinking. She had no questions, and asked if we could color.
At first I thought that perhaps she simply didn't understand the finality of all this, but throughout the last 24 hours, she has made several comments that make me feel that she understands much more than I give her credit for.
Having to tell Thalia her dad has died and gone to heaven has been the thing that has given me the most anxiety through this whole process. I was expecting lightning to strike the moment I told her. I was expecting a meltdown, crying, screaming, and devastation.
Instead, I got a little angel who wiped away my tears and forced me to look on the bright side.
I know that all of you are aching with us right now. And I know that all of you still have us in your prayers and your thoughts.
Your support and love through all of this had been monumental, and I am still in awe of how lucky we are to have you in our lives.
I can't put into words how much you have meant through this whole process.
If we can take anything positive out of this experience, it is the faith that your friends and family will be there along with God in your darkest of times. It is also a reaffirmation of what a wonderful person Torrey was, and the impact he had on those who knew him.
I was so lucky to have him as my husband, and I am so grateful that he left me with an angel for a daughter.
In the coming days, I will be leaving information on his memorial service on this blog.
The service will likely take place at Mount Vernon Mortuary, with a reception TBD.
We will also be holding a viewing for those who may not be able to attend the memorial.
Dates and times will be posted here soon.
For anyone who would like to say a few words at his memorial service, please contact me at monicabuell@comcast.net.
We are also asking for any pictures that you might have of Torrey that you can send me via CD or email (at the above address).
Our home address is 3379 Marquam Way; Rancho Cordova, CA 95670.
Love to all,
Monica
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
No Major Changes
The new attending was not in the ICU today, but I heard he wants to have another 'family conference', I assume to discuss his approach to Torrey's case.
No change in his blood pressure today - his reliance on all three meds was very evident today. As soon as one ran out, his blood pressure started dropping continuously until the nurse 'plugged' in the next dose which then causes it to rise up to a normal rate. I don't think we are any closer to being able to administer the dialysis he so desperately needs.
It didn't appear that he needed quite as much pain medicine today as he did yesterday; I assume the fact that they have stopped feeding him helped in that regard.
He was still fairly weak, but I was able to communicate with him more today than in the past couple of days. He revealed to me that he was sad and basically spelled out 'this sucks' on the paper keyboard. I think 'this sucks' probably understates how he really feels.
I had a great discussion with my therapist today on how to deal with the next week or so, as we get closer to having to make tough decisions on Torrey's behalf. Despite the fact that he has gone w/o dialysis for nearly a week, he seems fairly mentally healthy when he is awake, just still a little cloudy.
We are still praying for a milk thistle miracle (or any miracle), and hope that this new round of doctors continue to think 'outside the box' for treatment that can turn his prognosis around.
In the meantime, our focus now is keeping Torrey comfortable while trying to lift his spirits.
Sara - thank you for the beautiful poem and comments. I'll be in touch shortly.
Goodnight,
Monica
No change in his blood pressure today - his reliance on all three meds was very evident today. As soon as one ran out, his blood pressure started dropping continuously until the nurse 'plugged' in the next dose which then causes it to rise up to a normal rate. I don't think we are any closer to being able to administer the dialysis he so desperately needs.
It didn't appear that he needed quite as much pain medicine today as he did yesterday; I assume the fact that they have stopped feeding him helped in that regard.
He was still fairly weak, but I was able to communicate with him more today than in the past couple of days. He revealed to me that he was sad and basically spelled out 'this sucks' on the paper keyboard. I think 'this sucks' probably understates how he really feels.
I had a great discussion with my therapist today on how to deal with the next week or so, as we get closer to having to make tough decisions on Torrey's behalf. Despite the fact that he has gone w/o dialysis for nearly a week, he seems fairly mentally healthy when he is awake, just still a little cloudy.
We are still praying for a milk thistle miracle (or any miracle), and hope that this new round of doctors continue to think 'outside the box' for treatment that can turn his prognosis around.
In the meantime, our focus now is keeping Torrey comfortable while trying to lift his spirits.
Sara - thank you for the beautiful poem and comments. I'll be in touch shortly.
Goodnight,
Monica
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
New Rotation of Docs
Tomorrow I'll be meeting with the new medical team.
The residents and attending are rotating, so I'll have another session of getting acquainted with another set of personality types.
I have heard that the attending starting tomorrow is very 'aggressive' and cavalier.
I am hoping this proves beneficial for Torrey, as we'll have some tough decisions to make in the next few days.
Torrey was very sleepy for most of today. They increased his pain medication again, but his blood pressure seemed to cope ok. They had to increase his BP meds again, but only after they had been able to wean him a bit. He was pretty weak, but responsive when he was awake.
He apparently had a good night last night. He is bleeding a bit in his GI tract so they took him off feedings this morning. He didn't seem to mind.
As of this evening, he had been awake for a while and not in any pain. We like his night nurse, and feel confident he'll have a good night.
Cherrie - thank you for the information you provided. I will discuss this with the docs first thing. I believe in the beginning they did consider a CAPD, but I don't recall why they didn't move ahead with it. I'll try and get an explanation. I didn't realize it was easier on the BP.
Regards,
Monica
The residents and attending are rotating, so I'll have another session of getting acquainted with another set of personality types.
I have heard that the attending starting tomorrow is very 'aggressive' and cavalier.
I am hoping this proves beneficial for Torrey, as we'll have some tough decisions to make in the next few days.
Torrey was very sleepy for most of today. They increased his pain medication again, but his blood pressure seemed to cope ok. They had to increase his BP meds again, but only after they had been able to wean him a bit. He was pretty weak, but responsive when he was awake.
He apparently had a good night last night. He is bleeding a bit in his GI tract so they took him off feedings this morning. He didn't seem to mind.
As of this evening, he had been awake for a while and not in any pain. We like his night nurse, and feel confident he'll have a good night.
Cherrie - thank you for the information you provided. I will discuss this with the docs first thing. I believe in the beginning they did consider a CAPD, but I don't recall why they didn't move ahead with it. I'll try and get an explanation. I didn't realize it was easier on the BP.
Regards,
Monica
Monday, June 30, 2008
The Start of Week 6
Torrey wasn't tolerating his feeding today very well.
He is getting swollen again from the lack of dialysis, which may be the cause; but, to be safe, they did a stomach xray to ensure there is no blockage.
They discontinued his feedings until they can figure out the problem.
He was in a lot of pain early in the day, so they once again gave him plenty of meds which put him in a peaceful slumber.
My dad stayed later than I did today, and was there when Torrey woke up. Apparently he was not in any pain when he woke up, so I was very happy to hear that.
He he was able to get several treatments of the milk thistle throughout last night and today, but we have no idea how long something like this would take to work. My only regret is that we didn't find out about it sooner, though I am not sure the docs would have allowed it early on.
On a good note, despite all the pain meds that Torrey is getting right now, his blood pressure has not suffered anymore. He is still on all 3 'vasopressers'; but, they started to try and wean him off again, which is something they haven't been able to do for a couple of days now. We were at the absolute limit as of this morning, so the pain meds could have put him into another coma and forced his blood pressure down to a dangerous level again. Luckily this did not happen, and hopefully they can continue to wean him to a level that will allow us to resume dialysis treatment. This will be crucial to his survival.
Thalia had another good round of therapy today, and she looks forward to her sessions with 'Ms Kathleen'.
I have to admit I am coping much better than I thought I would at this point. Your comments, emails, voicemails, cards, food, etc., continue to keep me strong. That, along with having the best family in the world, has made all the difference.
Regards,
Monica
He is getting swollen again from the lack of dialysis, which may be the cause; but, to be safe, they did a stomach xray to ensure there is no blockage.
They discontinued his feedings until they can figure out the problem.
He was in a lot of pain early in the day, so they once again gave him plenty of meds which put him in a peaceful slumber.
My dad stayed later than I did today, and was there when Torrey woke up. Apparently he was not in any pain when he woke up, so I was very happy to hear that.
He he was able to get several treatments of the milk thistle throughout last night and today, but we have no idea how long something like this would take to work. My only regret is that we didn't find out about it sooner, though I am not sure the docs would have allowed it early on.
On a good note, despite all the pain meds that Torrey is getting right now, his blood pressure has not suffered anymore. He is still on all 3 'vasopressers'; but, they started to try and wean him off again, which is something they haven't been able to do for a couple of days now. We were at the absolute limit as of this morning, so the pain meds could have put him into another coma and forced his blood pressure down to a dangerous level again. Luckily this did not happen, and hopefully they can continue to wean him to a level that will allow us to resume dialysis treatment. This will be crucial to his survival.
Thalia had another good round of therapy today, and she looks forward to her sessions with 'Ms Kathleen'.
I have to admit I am coping much better than I thought I would at this point. Your comments, emails, voicemails, cards, food, etc., continue to keep me strong. That, along with having the best family in the world, has made all the difference.
Regards,
Monica
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Today's Conference
There wasn't a lot of new information in our family conference with the doctors today.
He still cannot get dialysis treatment while his blood pressure requires 3 vasopressers to be stable.
Not getting dialysis is obviously very dangerous for Torrey, so we need his blood pressure to be stable on its own so he can continue treatment.
It is difficult for doctors to predict how long he can survive in this state, but that has pretty much been the story all along.
Torrey had a lot of pain today, so they increased his pain meds to make him comfortable. He was very sleepy from about 2pm onwards.
In a last ditch effort to get his liver working again, I asked the doctors if it was ok for us to bring in some milk thistle to add to his feedings. Milk thistle has been known to help rejuvenate the liver, but is not used very commonly by medical facilities. They agreed to this, and his first dose was given at his 9pm feeding.
Here's hoping for a miracle.
Regards,
Monica
He still cannot get dialysis treatment while his blood pressure requires 3 vasopressers to be stable.
Not getting dialysis is obviously very dangerous for Torrey, so we need his blood pressure to be stable on its own so he can continue treatment.
It is difficult for doctors to predict how long he can survive in this state, but that has pretty much been the story all along.
Torrey had a lot of pain today, so they increased his pain meds to make him comfortable. He was very sleepy from about 2pm onwards.
In a last ditch effort to get his liver working again, I asked the doctors if it was ok for us to bring in some milk thistle to add to his feedings. Milk thistle has been known to help rejuvenate the liver, but is not used very commonly by medical facilities. They agreed to this, and his first dose was given at his 9pm feeding.
Here's hoping for a miracle.
Regards,
Monica
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Still fighting strong
This morning was not Torrey's best - he was in a lot of pain and very confused.
Luckily he responds well to the pain medication - it makes him a bit sleepy but doesn't knock him out for days.
By the afternoon, he seemed to be doing much better, and was extremely alert.
One of our favorite night nurses, Richard Love (yes, that is his real name) is back from vacation and taking care of Torrey tonight. The word flamboyant doesn't even begin to describe Nurse Richard Love. He is so positive, nurturing, and caring that I know I'll sleep well tonight knowing that Torrey is in good hands tonight.
Tomorrow we are having a sit-down with the doctors to discuss our long-term plan, and address some concerns we have over his treatment.
Hoping you all are having a great weekend,
Monica
Luckily he responds well to the pain medication - it makes him a bit sleepy but doesn't knock him out for days.
By the afternoon, he seemed to be doing much better, and was extremely alert.
One of our favorite night nurses, Richard Love (yes, that is his real name) is back from vacation and taking care of Torrey tonight. The word flamboyant doesn't even begin to describe Nurse Richard Love. He is so positive, nurturing, and caring that I know I'll sleep well tonight knowing that Torrey is in good hands tonight.
Tomorrow we are having a sit-down with the doctors to discuss our long-term plan, and address some concerns we have over his treatment.
Hoping you all are having a great weekend,
Monica
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